It is interesting the different things people say to me about the loss of my son.

I know that the intent is care and the hope is to comfort and say the right thing. But, what can anyone say? How do we handle being around someone who is hurting so badly? It is uncomfortable for the one speaking, and the one listening. Words seem so shallow when a heart and soul of someone has been yanked out in a instant. Some just avoid me all together.  I don’t blame them.

I hear scriptures; the fact that I will see him again, and that he is in a better place.  All true.

I also hear quite frequently, that I am strong. “Sheri, you are a strong woman”.  Huh. What does that mean? What does being strong look like? Is that intended to be an encouragement to stay strong? Like a positive affirmation? It actually feels like it comes from a place of fear when shared with me.

What is strong? Is it feeling feelings and expressing them or suppressing them? Is strong avoiding, pretending, and bucking up to get back to normal? Is strong crying out, or crawling up in a ball all afternoon, allowing myself to feel the deep pain I am feeling? Is strong allowing myself to trust God enough with my heart, that I will engage Him in a wrestling match, to understand my son’s death?

What is suffering? Suffering for all of us who live on earth, is inevitable,  even promised, according to the scriptures.  What does being strong look like in suffering?

We suffer because we love so much. We suffer because of love.

The pain of loss is severe because the pleasure of life and love is so great; it demonstrates the supreme value of what is lost.  The screaming pain I feel at the loss of my son, reflects the pure pleasure I felt in knowing, loving and caring for him. I cannot have one without the other, for both show what the soul is capable of feeling, sometimes simultaneously~ Jerry Sittser

Suffering, feeling, experiencing, even collapsing at times, feels to me like I am allowing myself to experience the full and deep love I have for my son. That is all I have. I cannot do anything with what I have been given, but feel the depth of it.  I can choose not to.  But to not to, does not honor him or my heart that aches because of love…. However that looks, and how uncomfortable it maybe for me or others,  It is my heart, my soul, my being and my motherhood suffering because of LOVE.

God loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten son, to suffer for us, to carry our sin and shame, and become beaten, tortured, and killed for love.

He suffered because of love. We too will suffer because of love.