Facedown on the floor of the little church in Bend, trying to be as honest as I could to God’s question, “Why don’t you trust Me”? The answer came, “Because a lot of bad things have happened. Why? I got really hurt. Why did that happen”?
I grew up with a very angry and abusive alcoholic father, one who did not make good decisions, but rather very harmful decisions in regards to his family, his relationships, and his behavior. I also grew up in a cult from age 5 to 19, where they sought to control their members with fear and intimidation. I grew up doubting myself and doubting my interpretation of my situation. And sadly, I believed I had something to do with the craziness, so I worked hard to find solutions. I thought that I could change things by trying harder, doing better, being a better person, praying harder, and everything would be okay. But it never changed.
As I prayed facedown on the floor of that little church, the Lord began speaking to me, “I did not do that to you. Your father chose to rebel against Me. He chose not to listen to Me. My heart broke as I was with you in those moments of pain. I was sad, mad, and crushed by the decisions your father was making. I did not do that. He chose not to listen to Me. He chose to disregard the things I asked of him as your earthly father. Pain and suffering were the results of him not listening to Me. I am sorry. That was not Me. I would never hurt you, forsake you, or abandon you.”
These words penetrated my heart and mind and, in an instant, brought clarity to me. I hear You! I believe You! I let His words sink in. God did not commit evil and harm against me, but rather, my earthly father’s sinful, depraved, and addicted-driven decisions brought evil and harm to me.
Believing God’s words to me, I chose to no longer hold God responsible for what had happened. I understood that as humans, we have a choice. We choose life or death: either to follow Jesus and obey His voice, which leads to life and peace, or to follow our own way- dictated by our own lusts, deception, and disobedience- which leads to death. Unfortunately, our choices affect everyone around us. My father’s decisions tore him down as well as our entire family.
So much truth came in that moment of clarity. I knew that God was asking me to trust Him. The God who is good all the time. The God of Love, Life, Hope, Joy, Peace, Provision, and Blessing! If pain and suffering come when we are not following and listening to our Good Shepherd, then I want to listen and follow Him. He leads us to still waters and green pastures, not dead ends and mud holes. Psalm 23. I am tired of not listening and hurting.
Does it mean the road is easy? NO.
Does it mean things are perfect? NO.
Does it mean I won’t be afraid? NO.
It just means, I will follow Him!…
The God who rescued my family from a deadly crash.
The God who many times throughout my life rescued me from destruction.
The God who promises, “All things work together for the good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28. The God who promises to turn what was intended for evil, into something good…
I will follow Him!
Jesus came and showed us the great love and care of the Father when He came to Earth. He demonstrated His love, forgiveness, long suffering, patience, kindness, compassion and mercy. He hated injustice. He healed, delivered and set people free, never oppressed them. I can trust You, Jesus!
I will follow you into this area of ministry.
I trust you with my precious children.
I give you the steering wheel, and let you drive the car.
Only then, will we get there.
Only then will it work.
Only then will my family and I be safe, tucked into Your will.
We said YES to opening the Women’s Home, and moved into the home the following month. Faith is not the absence of your knees knocking. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
In awe of His mighty wonders…