You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
and there I find you in the mystery

In oceans deep my faith will stand
I will call upon your name
and keep my eyes above the waves
when oceans rise my soul will arise in your embrace
I am yours you are mine
(Oceans by Hillsong )

In December 1999, I was invited to a special meeting where a evangelist from Africa was speaking at a small church in Bend.Oregon. He was speaking with a lot of passion asking us, “Who is tired of going around and around the mountain? Who wants to go into the promise land?”  I got up from my chair, walked straight to the front of the church and laid face down on the ground.. I said, “I am tired. I want to believe in all you say to me Jesus. Me, use me! Help me. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to believe You!.”

The crash was truly an amazing and miraculous time in my life!  Being rescued by Almighty God, His host of angels catching us and sparing our lives.  We were filled with faith and excitement as we daily reflected on all the LORD had done for us. I felt strong, confident and fearless, until we were asked to start a women’s home with Set Free Refuge in Bend Oregon.  Suddenly, I felt fear and uncertainty, like I was a little girl again. Why? I had just been through the biggest miracle of my life. As far as we were concerned, God had just parted the Red Sea all over again. Why was I afraid of this step of faith when God had so demonstrated that He is truly with us and there is nothing to fear, ever. And if God is for us, who can be against us?.  He now was asking me to trust Him in a area that was much more difficult for me to do.

We had moved to Bend from San Diego in fall of 1998. We did not feel called to sit in another church, but knew we were to serve. We were blessed to find Set Free Refuge, a Christian drug and alcohol recovery program and church. We loved it and instantly felt right at home. We knew God wanted us there. About five months after the crash, we were asked to pray about starting a women’s home for the ministry. We were still recovering from the injuries we had suffered from the accident. My husband was not able to work yet and daily struggled with remembering people, appointments, conversations, etc.  But we were so aware of God saving us, we were anxious to serve Him in anyway He desired.  Stepping into this ministry would mean women would be coming to live with us, instead of doing prison time, with the hopes of them meeting Jesus and successfully completing the six month program.  Set Free had had a successful Men’s program in town, so the local Parole office and jail were excited about them opening the Women’s home.  Set Free leaders asked us to pray and consider this.  Wow, what a blessing we thought. But for me, how scary.  I knew God was asking me to go back into a area that was still very fresh and painful in my mind and heart.  I was raised by a abusive alcoholic father, had numerous heart wrenching co-dependent relationships with addicts, and now I am being asked to bring my family, my precious children into the unknown/known world of addiction, and what potentially could be awesome or crazy…..

It was after that, I was invited  to hear the African Evangelist speak.  He was asking us if we were ready to stop going round and round the mountain. That is where I laid myself down on the ground crying out to God, saying “I am tired. I want to believe in all you say to me Jesus.. Me, use me! Help me. I don’t want to be afraid but I want to believe You!.”

This lead to me understanding the real issue, which was my heart. As I lay face down, He spoke to me, “Do you trust Me?” I began to try and say something other than the truth. He asked again, “Do you trust Me?” I then answered as I cried, “No” He gently and lovingly asked, “Why don’t you trust Me?”

This began a real, raw and deep conversation. There were so many people around me, a lot going on… yet, I was not aware of any of it. It felt like it was only me and Jesus in that room. I stayed on the floor talking to God, being honest with Him, asking a lot of questions about my childhood and honestly answering the questions he was asking me.  I was the last to leave the church that night.

your grace abounds in deepest waters
your sovereign hand will be my guide
where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
you’ve never failed and won’t stop now.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
wherever you would call me
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior
(Oceans by Hillsong)

— — Update — —

Click here for part two.