The ocean is not a comfort to me now as it always had been. I went to the mountains in Tahoe for a week. I needed to get away to be alone with God and myself. I needed to cry out loud and not worry about being heard by others. I wanted to walk, write, lay in the sun, look up above the tall trees that seemed to touch heaven. I needed to be undone, with the hope that I would leave there, having found something solid under my feet in order to keep pressing on.

I found these rocks and pieces of wood, and wrote what was pulling at my heart:

Nathan, part of my heart is in Heaven

I want to see what you see

What is it to look into His eyes?

I realized that I so badly want to see God’s eyes. If I could see His eyes, and see what my son sees as he looks into His eyes, it would help me as his mom.  I know that looking into God’s loving eyes, would be so amazing, so healing, so beautiful, that everything would make perfect sense.  I want to know how truly loved and peaceful Nathan feels in heaven. I want to know what his new home is like?

I am his mother. I was made to always love, care and protect him.  My heart was designed that way the moment he was conceived. All that doesn’t stop, because he is in heaven now. I am still that mom, that woman. That will never change.

I was never one of those people who would think about heaven before now.  I figured I would know what it is like when I get there. That there was plenty for me to do here on earth, and I would not concern myself with what I could never know, until I arrived there.  But now, I am living between heaven and earth.  Part of me is there- in heaven.  I am more aware of heaven every day, and wanting to be. That is a comfort to me.

How do I live as a mom on earth, with a son in heaven?

“God teach me how to live on earth, doing your will, but staying close to heaven where you and my son are. I need to live in both worlds. I am always his mother and want to be where he is. I so desperately want to feel connected to him. You O God are the connection between me and my son. You are the bridge between us. Teach me to abide there, in You. Teach me this new way….. Don’t let me get drowned out by this world, it’s difficulties, disappointments and frustrations.  Teach me to be present in this place between heaven and earth.”