Soon after Nathan died, I went to be alone at the Prince of Peace Abbey. I have done that periodically over the years to have a time of prayer and solitude.

The Abbey sits on a canyon looking out at the ocean. There is a beautiful walk that takes you through the stages of the cross. There are a lot of trees, birds, beautiful views, and usually no one around.

I wrote, prayed, cried…. wrote, prayed and cried some more.  I had been there a few hours when I decided to head back towards my car. As I was coming up the slight incline, I saw in my mind’s eye, my precious son Nathan running towards me with a big smile on his face.  Behind the vision of Nathan, I saw about ten brightly colored butterflies flying towards me.  It was beautiful. So unusual.  Immediately I thought that was not just a strange thing to happen, but God was showing me something.   I felt like the butterflies were showing me Nate’s freedom and joy, and that this was going to be a sign of hope for me, until I see him again.

Since that day, I see butterflies all of the time.  I don’t think in my lifetime, I have seen as many butterflies as I do now.  It seems everywhere I go, a beautiful, colorful butterfly will fly past me.  I can be in the full rip current of grief, and I will see a butterfly and feel hope that Nathan is not far, but in the next room.

I have a butterfly that hangs out on my porch.  This is the first time in 13 years, that I have seen a butterfly in my yard.  He flies around, near my face, and all around me.  Every time I see him, I feel happy. I feel like God is reminding me of heaven. That my son is free and alive in a way I cannot understand right now, but one day, I will.

The picture  above is of two butterflies that are hanging on the rock I brought back from where my family and I crashed  in 1999.  This rock is very important to me.  It is our Memorial stone from the day my family and I were in a huge car accident.  We were all thrown from the car, flying fifty feet in the air. Nathan had landed right next to me so I could touch him and comfort him. It was a complete miracle that we all lived and thrived, after that day.   He was eleven when that happened. God gave me fifteen more amazing and treasured years with him on earth.

I look forward to Heaven